I Am Not A Liberal

My sister mentioned one time that I should totally move to Portland because I'd fit in so well, and she sees so many women like me wandering around. After I was done vomiting a little in my mouth, I reflected. I can see where she's coming from - it's got a heavy art scene, the community's very Whimsicle, and the women are probably very big on motherhood and junk. But there, the similarities end.

I am not a liberal. Let me show you just how NOT a liberal I am:

1. While I am totally down with equality for the People It's Cool To Be Rooting For (homosexuals, women, blacks, those being persecuted religiously), I am also very much of the mind that, no matter who you are, if you're a moron or evil, you deserve nothing, and fuck off.

2. I hate sedentary activism. If you talk about/post about/whine about religion, abortion, breastfeeding, gays, politics, the judicial system, gender roles and/or sexuality more than once a week with any opinion attached, fuck off. We knew you hated/loved/ whatever the fuck you're babbling on about already. We get it. Shut up. The exceptions to this are people like Kyle, who get outraged at things that are so stupid it's hilarious and entertaining. Those people may continue.

3. I hate extremism. It's not passion, you twats, it's insufferable. Atheist, religious, right-wing, left-wing, you're all jackasses. And if you start in, I will go defend the other side -even if I personally don't agree with them - just because I hate your proselytizing more than I do the opposing opinion.

4. The government should control us, because we're fucktards. Mandatory birth control from ages 14-18 at the minimum. Shove those pills down those 14-year-olds' throats. Knot those vas deferentia. I don't care if it strips away a woman's right to be an Unmarried Teenage Mother. Strip away! Also, stop bitching about TSA. I've been through customs in Europe and they scream at you. Agents don't wanna feel up your obese, sweaty thighs, I'm sure. Just suck it up. Make cigarettes illegal. If secondhand smoke wasn't a factor, I'd let the idiots kill themselves, but it is. So, yoink. No more for you.

And mandatory circumcisions just because I hate Intactivists. A little bloody, painful trauma at the start of one's existence is good for the soul. Toughens you up. And men don't know how to clean themselves very well, so make it easier on them. Plus, it's easier to give a guy head if he's cut. Just being real.

5. I hate SlutWalk feminists. You are not helping. You are the reason we do not have a female President yet. You are encouraging the world to look at us and treat us like depersonalized, sexual objects. And I know sometimes a gal's gotta feel like a hot object, and I'm down. But when you want to carry the Womynhood Banner, put some fucking clothes on. 'I will not be ashamed of my body' means treat it with some respect and don't put it on display in the guise of empowerment. You will NEVER EVER...let me repeat....NEVER EVER get men to look at a girl in a bikini and instantly think 'My, what a strong, empowered female who obviously takes pride in her natural form and who, it is clear, is intelligent, capable and wise'. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. You look like a whore. And if you WANT to look like a whore, fine. But stop pretending it's some great feminist statement.

Exception - women who are savvy enough to use their tits and pussy to control men, know that's what they're doing, and don't care about equality between the genders. At least y'all are honest with yourselves.

6. I believe in capital punishment. We are able to send a man to the moon. We have created astounding works of art, amazing technology, and we've wiped out pandemic diseases. WE CAN TELL IF SOMEONE'S EVIL OR NOT. Yes, we can judge. We can. We have that level of reason (well, some of us, anyhow) and there are human beings on this planet wise enough and intelligent enough to make the call about someone being evil. And, if they're evil, sayonara.

I am not a liberal.