Helpless

From a few days ago:

In a drunken stupor as I sunk into sleep, I kept telling myself a word over and over last night, so I’d remember to write about it today.

Helpless.

I don’t really remember the context, but I’m gonna just think about it a while and write what comes to mind now. Probably be off the mark, but ah well. Drunk Haley shoulda written down notes.

Today:

I think I am a fan of deliberate helplessness. Cognizant, willing helplessness. The moment when your feet leave the precipice and right before you begin the plummet - that moment when there's no rescinding. 

Maybe, also, the sort where you know you can stop or take hold, and deliberately choose not to. Walking into that moment where you know you're doomed, and consigning yourself even though you can turn and walk the other way at any moment. 

I think this may be mostly about sex/kink for me. I long ago realized I didn't want kink to be spiritual for me; elevating it was ruining it, was polishing away the dirty and the taboo and baseness, things I loved. But I did enjoy the philosophy. In other words, making it something for the mind, not the soul. So I don't wanna make this seem as though it's some deeply meaningful, sacred bullshit for me. It's not. I just like understanding why I do/feel the things I do, even if the answer is just - 'because I'm a filthy little slut'. 

So, this helplessness biz is, yes, yes, all about submission and surrender and blah blah blah. That's obvious. But I love the despair that comes with it, too. Either conquered or martyred, it's very fulfilling. I do not, however, enjoy the resentment I feel at whatever or whoever holds the power over me in those moments (and there has been resentment, most definitely). Which is interesting, because that's exactly what I want to induce in someone when I have my toppy moods. 

One of my earliest dominant fantasies was, like most of my fantasies, a flashpoint moment. It was of someone climaxing, sobbing and furious. And they were cursing me as they came, because they hated me for making them feel like that, for making them love me and surrender to me and be vulnerable and broken. I really got off on that notion. Maybe because of the idea that I could make someone love me or desire me or obey me against their will, not by force, but by their own helplessness. 

There're a lot more thoughts ricocheting around, but I need to sort them 'fore I post.

Fuck You

I will be over it by tonight, I know.

But that was a SHITTY thing to do, guy. It wasn't funny or daring or hot to me. When you behave in an explicitly sexual manner without a woman's consent, verbally or physically, it can feel like a violation to them. I say 'can', because I don't believe all women dislike or discourage that kind of conduct and I'm not gonna even pretend I know what every single woman thinks or feels.

But I think you're a little shitpot.

Munitia

There is no limitation on droplets of shame.

They are purchased, bagful, in lambkin, lambskin pouches

Traded for weeping, or a veneer of adore-polish

Buffed until gleaming. My own palms.

The forge delivers them into the fire and they return

Bullets.

OMG Book

Well, it's not the Great American Novel, but I think I'll soon have enough erotica to make a little collection. Thinking of doing it up on Blurb, though there's no way I can tell my family about it.

It'll be my second Blurb book. The first was a collection of sonnets I wrote. Here it is.

I wish I could convince folks to do a collection with me.

Sea

The inception of a new game is always interesting. Most of the time, it's as simple as just a neat idea. It's a running joke that the curse of death are the words 'Wouldn't it be cool if....'. Usually, that's all it takes and I'm off to the races again. This time, I was completely deluged. I didn't even have to think. It just started happening.

Both iterations of Space were ambitious at the time. The first was just the notion of turning the house into a spaceship; the second was trying to really make a decent story in a restrictive setting. I told people I was burned out, and that was absolutely true. I'm also not challenged any more with it. Add to that the sense that it's not been a collaborative effort in at least a year, and the end was no surprise coming.

So, then, we had to make Sea remedy those problems. Needed folks who would be into it, willing to work hard on it. And I (and Gogas too, I suspect) needed a new level of challenge. For Gogas, I think it's going to be not only coming up with new tech, but a second level of disguising that tech to fit into the legitimate Steampunk genre. Not just gluing cogs on shit, but creating the illusion that all the tech runs on steam. Pipes instead of wires.

For me, I realize there won't be a novelty factor. I can't use that as a crutch, the way I could with Space. I have to make absolutely certain the characters are solid, the world is solid, the plot is solid. While the set is going to be impressive (seriously - the shit Gogas has shown us so far and the ideas already tossed into the hat are so fucking neat), it's not going to serve as a distraction. Blinky lights aren't going to be there to keep people distracted. Which means they're going to have to really be able to get into character and just be in character. Which means I gotta make sure the characters are good enough to allow that to happen.

Bailey's a good example; she's going to be the ship's cook. Now, in Space, we just had folks make meals. Didn't really matter what, so long as it could feed all of us. This time, she's been poring over cook books, and choosing dishes that would fit not only in the time setting (Victorian), but would make sense as far as the game is concerned - lots of seafood, that sort of thing. That's the sort of detail necessary for this game to be able to work.

It also means Gogas' tech has to be very, very functional. It has to work, and be usable, so people can live on the Nautilus and be able to touch it and use the tangible aspects of it, so they can stay in-character and believe they're on the ship easier. I think it's imminently do-able but, again, a challenge.

All that said...I think we're about to one-up ourselves in a frighteningly incredible way.