Helpless

From a few days ago:

In a drunken stupor as I sunk into sleep, I kept telling myself a word over and over last night, so I’d remember to write about it today.

Helpless.

I don’t really remember the context, but I’m gonna just think about it a while and write what comes to mind now. Probably be off the mark, but ah well. Drunk Haley shoulda written down notes.

Today:

I think I am a fan of deliberate helplessness. Cognizant, willing helplessness. The moment when your feet leave the precipice and right before you begin the plummet - that moment when there's no rescinding. 

Maybe, also, the sort where you know you can stop or take hold, and deliberately choose not to. Walking into that moment where you know you're doomed, and consigning yourself even though you can turn and walk the other way at any moment. 

I think this may be mostly about sex/kink for me. I long ago realized I didn't want kink to be spiritual for me; elevating it was ruining it, was polishing away the dirty and the taboo and baseness, things I loved. But I did enjoy the philosophy. In other words, making it something for the mind, not the soul. So I don't wanna make this seem as though it's some deeply meaningful, sacred bullshit for me. It's not. I just like understanding why I do/feel the things I do, even if the answer is just - 'because I'm a filthy little slut'. 

So, this helplessness biz is, yes, yes, all about submission and surrender and blah blah blah. That's obvious. But I love the despair that comes with it, too. Either conquered or martyred, it's very fulfilling. I do not, however, enjoy the resentment I feel at whatever or whoever holds the power over me in those moments (and there has been resentment, most definitely). Which is interesting, because that's exactly what I want to induce in someone when I have my toppy moods. 

One of my earliest dominant fantasies was, like most of my fantasies, a flashpoint moment. It was of someone climaxing, sobbing and furious. And they were cursing me as they came, because they hated me for making them feel like that, for making them love me and surrender to me and be vulnerable and broken. I really got off on that notion. Maybe because of the idea that I could make someone love me or desire me or obey me against their will, not by force, but by their own helplessness. 

There're a lot more thoughts ricocheting around, but I need to sort them 'fore I post.